Siesta Cinema.

These songs and records make me feel feverish because I acquired them in the midst of doing time with Mono. They give me the chills, too. I took thousands of miserable showers and wouldn’t have wished my pain on my worst enemy. (But that was then, this is now.) The darkest music, the darkest time of twelfth grade. This is when a couple of things got hold of me and never let go. They all attributed to my absolute loss of confidence and wit. I’ve had to climb Everest after Everest to get to where I am now. I have a right to take a breather and hate you for kicking me down a ledge or five.

I used straws, I had to swallow so quickly, and curl my toes and squeeze my eyes shut so tight because the pain was very passe, very ‘exquisite,’ very unbelieveable. I painted something silly on the full-length mirror to pass the time (your eyes are too close together!) and couldn’t breathe.

Then I turned eighteen. I blame you for altering my life. Mostly because I’m not ready to take the blame for myself, you bitch.

Balloon Cocoon.

I pledge to keep my mouth shut around women, as I am fumbling, consistantly misunderstood, and not very conscientious to boot. You know, like a man.

• On the other hand, I do feel fussy when I discover a missed strip after having shaved my legs.

Don’t say it, and, for Godsakes, above all else, don’t feel it.

Lowest blow of all.  Fill up the house, Alice-style, fill up the whole neighborhood while I’m at it.  Peach Cobbler.  Tire Biter.  ‘You Think You Know Me.’

But you darken my day.

Today was a good parents day.  My mom treated me to hugs & groceries, while my dad stopped by later with some heady beer and fancy gelatos and Italian ices.  They’re really looking out for me.

I’m trying my hardest not to be slack.  It’s hard when you’re sick twice in a row and you’ve got headaches for many reasons.  But go, I’m trying.  I’m also trying to get myself into better habits.  For example, not to say “trying,” but rather, to “do.” Such-and-such is hitting home and things are going to be hard for a long time.  I’m convincing myself that this is a-okay and it’s well beyond time that it comes for me.

I’m actively not comparing myself with thisnthat.  At least I’m clean.  I’ve got my share.

It’s almost a week, the longest in a long time.  Can you feel it?  Will it take as long as it does to make a canyon?  Could I have written that more beautifully?